How are YOU doing?

I have been asked this a lot. I don’t want it to seem that I am keeping my emotions inside so this is HONESTLY how I am doing.

If you are new in our lives, or don’t even know us at all, you may not know that I have a history of severe depression. During my pregnancy, I ended up in the “mental health” wing of a hospital because of the fact I couldn’t take one of my anti-depressants, so our baby wouldn’t be affected from the drug. It was a VERY hard time in our lives and I feel that our complicated living situation aided in me ending up in the hospital for nine days, but that is no longer the life we are facing. Some would argue that our current fight is much more intense, but to me, it doesn’t feel that way. I guess I was really struggling two years ago… sheesh! Yes. Tim has a terminal illness for which there is no escape. He is slowly declining in his ability to do… well pretty much everything. I don’t know if it is my ignorance or my faith- could be a fine line that I am oblivious to, but I am not as depressed as I imagine that I could be. I am not saying this to get a pat on my back or “KUDOS!” because I know that I will have (and have had) days of spiriling despair- good word choice, huh?, where I can’t comprehend how and why this is happening. I don’t feel like I am becoming more depressed, which is surprising to me. Maybe I am unconsciously masking my pain and heart ache. I have moments when I see someone having a father/son moment and I break down. There were even times I saw Grove watching a father/son moment and it was too much for me. But my argument, in my “strong” times is Tim is not dying anytime soon. I don’t look at him and think, “it could be any day now”. I know I have this day, right now, this moment, to soak in every bit of Tim time I can get. I can cherish the time I have and not spending my moments fearing away the times that I won’t have. To sit and think about that helps me realize the importance of Tim’s life in mine. This is something I need reminded of a lot. That sounds rather shallow of me. But I get very easily overwhelmed and I snap with anxiety attacks. Poor Tim tries to spend time with me when I am trying to get something done and I can’t handle both areas that demand my time. I get snippy. Lately, while Grove has been visiting Tim’s parents, there were a few projects- mainly cleaning/ decluttering and organizing, where I had a few anxiety attacks or mental break downs during. I couldn’t explain why I was so anxious. So… maybe this is me becoming more “depressed”. I don’t know.

A friend was here the other day. Tim was at school and Grove was at Grandma’s. He sincerely wanted to know how I was doing. I am doing better than I expected and that is because I have Tim by my side. I am in shock and awe at how well he is handling it. I am not the one dying and I have more emotional break downs than he does. I pointed out the fact of Tim’s attitude toward all of this and how admirable it is. (I like how me complimenting my husband feels like I am boasting about myself- He is a part of who I am!) 😀 If Tim didn’t continue with his education, than he would be sitting around the house “dying” and it would be depressing for everyone involved. The fact that he wants to keep living and won’t give up is, honestly, what is moving us forward each day. Tim leaves the house more than I do. There are some days that I don’t go outside and Tim is outside just about every day for classes and meeting professors. We were meeting with someone today and he explained that, even though he is hoping to further his education into his masters and doctorate, it isn’t for a career, necessarily. It is basically a hobby to keep him busy. Yeah, he could, most likely get a great job and do most of the work from a computer, which doesn’t seem impossible in the future of his decline with ALS. But he is really enjoying the journey to those degrees. It keeps his mind busy and his emotional health in check.

My husband is someone I admire more than I could ever express in words. I know it has to be hard for him to not be “the breadwinner” or to be the “head of the household” in the way that he wants to be or what is expected of any man these days, but he really is the leader of our family and holds each of those titles in my eyes. He sets the spiritual example and keeps us looking and moving in the right direction. I am sorry for you, if you are reading this and you do not know Tim on a personal level. He is truly an amazing person and will never let this disease take away who he is. His heart is big enough to see in and through his actions. I knew Tim was going to be “the one” because he was the first guy to treat me how God intended us to truly love one another. He pursued me and made me feel worth it and loved more than anyone else through his eyes. I know he is conscious of coming off as a creeper or being out of line, but I can see he tries to help everyone see how much value they have and how they should be treated. I am so blessed that God led him to ME, of all people.

As expected, I do have my days where this is all too much. But having a history of depression, I believe that I know when to ask for help. I know when it is about to spill over. I can always benefit from your prayers for discernment and encouragement. I joined the YMCA this past week, so hopefully the exercise I intend to work into my weekly schedule will help me in the areas of my life that I feel are lacking. Thank you for your concerns, prayers, thoughts and encouragement. We are hanging on and living day by day.